It's an odd feeling when you know you should be living the life you'd planned for.. but you can't. Nine months of planning, imagining, wondering what these first months will bring. Nine months with a new life ahead of us. But when that plan gets torn apart by grief and trauma, are you just meant to carry on as before? What if I don't want to?
The loss of Ted has hit me in a completely different way than I expected. Most of the trauma has come and gone and it hit us like a big, chunky, double decker bus. My days are filled with a lot of guilt and pain but also determination. I want to create a life that makes me the best version of myself. As cliche as it sounds, you never know what tomorrow can bring.. good, bad or just down right devastating. So why half-arse it?
I have a fire within me now. It wasn't there before. Is it anger? Maybe. Whatever it is, I'm running with it. I'm not settling. Don't get me wrong, I am bloody lucky. I have Tom who is literal sunshine. I have the most incredible friends and family who are my biggest fans in everything I do. The next step is having a career that fills me with joy and satisfaction. So here it goes.. My name's Charlotte and I'm a freelance illustrator. Again.
I didn't fail last time. I had to make changes for my own sanity. I was naive to think I could start a limited company and bob along merrily without a care in the world. A big, black hole of depression appeared and I fell into it, head first. I climbed back out when I went back to retail but it wasn't enough. I need to be creative. So this is the start of this big adventure of becoming (mostly) freelance. I can do it. We can do it!